How to Raise a Mennonite Rebel
De-stabilize the mother. Without the mother’s consent, during her third pregnancy plan a move from Steinbach to Winnipeg.
When the mother begs to stay in the family home, at least until the oldest son is out of grade two, say no.
Remind yourself that you must pursue your dreams of becoming rich by leaving Steinbach.
When the mother begs to stay until the baby is born, say yes. But when the baby is overdue, insist the move take place soon. On a Sunday in March lose your patience and have the mother help with the moving of belongings. Let her drag mattresses down from the second floor where you will load up the truck the next day. This will induce labour.
Have the mother leave her beloved house for the last time, drop her off at the hospital where she will have the baby and you will finish the move to Winnipeg on your own.
Don’t worry that the house you have rented is for sale. In this way the mother will be on edge, the baby will have colic and the breast milk will be laced with cortisol.
Make sure the mother is isolated from her Mennonite community.
Once the mother is securely dependent upon you, whether you have a job or not, smile at her and tell her that you love her.
Promise her that you will buy a beautiful house for her in the desired community as soon as you find a job.
Now that you have the mother in check, make sure the children are in check too. She will report back to you on their comings and goings. Sometimes you will need to put your foot down with your sons. But do not worry about your daughter as she is already sensitive to the needs of others.
You have chosen wisely, a woman who has come to a new country as a girl to escape the harshness of the Siberian Steppe and the Holodomor Genocide, is a perfect candidate for commandeering. Do not worry when she prays without ceasing. This will help her manage her anxiety.
Your wife will of course transfer her fears on to her three children, but particularly on the younger two. The eldest son is obedient so there is no need to concern yourself with him. Perhaps the boy will become a Mennonite minister like your wife’s father.
Finally, buy a home near the Mennonite community in North Kildonan, a suburb of Winnipeg, where the family can attend a German speaking church.
Watch and observe how the mother injects the children’s spirits with her own religiosity. She will teach the girl to sit up in bed and fold her hands. The girl’s little white lies, and evil thoughts must be confessed. Although the mother behaves like a priest she is not Catholic. She cannot simply tell the girl to say, “Ten Our Fathers” and “Two Hail Marys”, in order to be forgiven. The girl will continue to carry the guilt inside of her in spite of the prayers.
On Saturday nights after the borscht has been prepared and the buns baked, bible verses must be memorized.
Make sure to continue to make the Sunday visits to the hometown of Steinbach. Stop the car when the girl gets nauseous and has to throw up. Throw the bag out the window and continue on the journey.
As the girl grows, send her to a Christian camp. However, be prepared for what she learns outside the family home. Even though the child is basically good, she will be corrupted when she re-enacts the story of Job. In the theatrical role of the devil she will discover liberation from always having to be good. She will revel in it, find freedom in it and she will not care what others think of her. Thus a dualistic play will be underway. The female child will forever vacillate between God’s righteous goodness and her own evil ways.
Your job is done. But continue to remind her throughout her life that family is the most important thing in life.
